Make It Work, baby!

  It's one of those things that sits at the back of your mind. The ever-neglected blog, languishing in internet anonymity as its brethren sigh into the void and tumble off the screen, one by one. When I visited this blog today, it wasn't with the intention to create a new post. I've been back periodically in the last five years to pull that old recipe (yes I still use some) or to just take a spin down memory lane. My intention today was similar - looking for a recipe (which, it turns out, I never even blogged about). But then I read the last post. And revisited a few others. And updated the list of "blogs I like," finding that more than half of them no longer exist. I'm still the same person I was when the cursor last blinked at this URL five years ago. But my life has become so much more expansive. There are so many things that could be said about that last post, which will now become the penultimate once this gets published, and then perhaps relegated even f...

There's been a lot going on. I left my job in April. I had a baby - at home in the water - in May. I started working for myself in June. Now it's November. My baby is 6, almost 7 months old. I'm not sure where the time went. Every day I hold her, kiss her, smile and play with her, and try to burn the image of her into my retinas. I don't want to forget this. I can't wait to do it again. Babies are more precious than anything else. They are life, love, and laughter. But that's not why I decided to post today, after an 8-month hiatus.

Yes, I spelled that right. I don't have demons to exorcise, I have exercise demons. I'm terrible at getting myself up and going, and I've always been that way. That's why, after gaining the freshman *cough* my first year in college, I walked-on to the swim team. Nine practices a week got my tushie in shape and ensured I'd be staying healthy(ish - my diet wasn't great) and fitting into my clothes. After college, I had my wedding to get ready for almost immediately. After that was when my waistline, thighs, and pretty much everywhere else started to bulge. Before getting pregnant with Adrian, I actually managed to lose 20lbs through a combination of being more active (taking the stairs, free weights) and a better diet. I have Eating for Life to thank for much of that - it's a great book to change your philosophy on food, and contains a meal planner and some healthy recipes.

Life has been so overwhelming recently. I guess having a full-time job (with a commute), a toddler (almost 2 years old!), and being 6+ months pregnant will do that to you. But still, part of me wonders if the problem is me - why am I not satisfied with the way my life works right now? I have a good job (minus some boss issues) that pays really well, I have a dedicated caregiver for my kid, and I have excellent support from my family and friends.

I've always been a busy person. It's part of my personality - as an ESTJ I am a "joiner" and thrive on interacting with and belonging to different groups (more about personality types on another day!). So, of course, that translates into being just a bit busy. When I was in high school, I was in numerous clubs. National Honor Society, National Art Honor Society, Spanish Club, Key Club, Forensics, and the high school swim team plus a year-round swim team. And it wasn't enough to just show up for the attendance check - I was an officer in several and on volunteer committees for others. In my last two years I also held down several jobs and had a serious boyfriend (my nowadays-husband). I rarely partied and was a classic example of How To Keep Your Kids Out Of Trouble. If they're so busy they can barely sleep or get homework done, they're probably not out boozing and having sex. At least, I wasn't. In college it was much of the same. Any one of my ex...

My baby is 11 months old today. It's hard to believe that much time has gone by already. He's still not crawling or walking. He's not clapping, saying words, or waving. Sometimes I'm afraid that I've already failed him as a parent. But no. My baby is happy and healthy. He laughs and smiles. Gets frustrated and intrigued. Communicates through facial expression, tone, and posture. Eats like a horse and nurses like a champ. He may be a bit behind all of the milestones, but for now I'm still OK with that. I'm not crying tonight because of my perceived inadequacies as a parent. Instead, I'm remembering where I was 11 months ago. How I felt. There was some joy. There was a lot of love. But it was mostly horror. Pain. Sorrow. Frustration. Helplessness. Failure. "From his mother's womb untimely ripped."  I had a cesarean section. It is really, really hard for me to write about this. Especially in a format that lays bare so many other pe...