Make It Work, baby!

I am so done. I've never felt this physically and emotionally sapped in my life. Actually, I probably have, but I'm a champ at repressing and forgetting bad memories and this will certainly be one of them. The culprit? Work. What else. I just can't do this anymore. I give and give and give and get nothing in return. I guess a paycheck counts. But that's not enough. It's never been enough. So unfortunate that I need that paycheck. Because I might be tempted to just walk out the door, go home, and not come back.

A good friend of mine currently lives in a busy metropolitan city, but dreams of having a big house in the suburbs. One of these days, she and I will sit down to discuss her desire to live there. But it's made me think of my own strong aversion to suburbia. First off, I've never lived in a suburb, at least that I remember. I grew up in a very rural setting, with trees and cow pastures, country roads and dirt or gravel driveways. My house was on a street - no neighborhood, no subdivision, no HOA, just a street. It was off the beaten path and away from traffic, but also from people. Sure, we had neighbors, but I had no friends whose houses I could walk to, even if I'd been allowed to walk on the street (I wasn't).

After my last post about work-life balance, I took a long break from blogging (and from reading blogs - my Google reader was up to ~800 posts. yikes!). Recently I bought a book about getting work and life to be in better harmony (review on that to come another day). So, did the time and perspective help any? Unfortunately, nope. I actually ended up doing that oh-so-embarrassing thing called practically killing myself (OK, maybe that's melodramatic, but I WAS told to go to the ER). Instead of life getting simpler, it got busier. And then I got pregnant . And anyone who's been there know how entirely awful first trimester can be. I won't list all of my woes, but suffice to say my body gave up on me.

I've always been a busy person. It's part of my personality - as an ESTJ I am a "joiner" and thrive on interacting with and belonging to different groups (more about personality types on another day!). So, of course, that translates into being just a bit busy. When I was in high school, I was in numerous clubs. National Honor Society, National Art Honor Society, Spanish Club, Key Club, Forensics, and the high school swim team plus a year-round swim team. And it wasn't enough to just show up for the attendance check - I was an officer in several and on volunteer committees for others. In my last two years I also held down several jobs and had a serious boyfriend (my nowadays-husband). I rarely partied and was a classic example of How To Keep Your Kids Out Of Trouble. If they're so busy they can barely sleep or get homework done, they're probably not out boozing and having sex. At least, I wasn't. In college it was much of the same. Any one of my ex...

They keep me organized . Who doesn't love organization? Except when you have lists of lists. Watch out for that. Crossing items off gives me a sense of accomplishment . Which is why it's terrible that my to-do list for work today has nothing crossed off, and I've been here for 6.5 hours already. They're useful in all situations - for work projects, grocery shopping, Christmas, errands, weekend activities, books to read, and blogging. Everyone else knows I've got my shit together . Boss - "What are you working on today?" Me - "I've got a list!" Husband - "What's for dinner?" Me - "I've got a list!" Friend - "Are we going out this weekend?" Me - "I've got a list!" Once a list has been created, I can turn my brain off. This is especially useful on Friday afternoons at work. I don't need to think about what I need to do, I just need to look at the list. You can dress them up . My curr...

"Fluff" can take on a lot of meanings. Aside from the dictionary definition, it can mean your cloth diaper stash, your baby carrier/sling stash, or having a little extra padding around the middle. Today, it means "something of little substance or consequence." I can't remember if I've mentioned this, but I adore reading. I feel very lucky to have been brought up in a family where we were more likely to sit around in the evenings with books, rather than around a television. As sedentary activities go, it's probably one of the more mentally stimulating. And the great thing about a good book is that it can take you away from life. Not that my life is a terrible thing that I need to escape from, but let's admit it - everyday life is mundane. Waking, sleeping, eating, commuting, working - all rote. Sure, there's joy to be found in small things, accomplishment in work well done. But it's a constant ho-hum. Motherhood is certainly one of life...

Yesterday, a friend sent me a really interesting article on the proposed extension of paid paternal leave in Sweden . Anyone familiar with US law will note a few interesting tidbits in that sentence: Paternal leave - yep, something nonexistent in the US Paid - the mother of all qualifiers.  Extension - which means that not only did they already have it, they're making it better. Excuse me while the waves of jealousy rage over me... Ok. Now I'm better. Where do I start? I was shocked, aghast, and amazed (and not in a good way) when, upon getting pregnant, I learned the US doesn't mandate paid maternity leave. I'd read my employer's personnel manual, and honestly when I read the words "up to 12 weeks of family leave" never did it cross my mind that this "family leave" was unpaid. Sure, some private employers offer paid leave (less than 3 percent), and two states have stepped in to do the same (California and New Jersey), but the federal gov...

This is my second mothers' day. Adrian is in good sorts today, despite the several molars that are just now poking through, and the fact that we're visiting with my parents this weekend rather than in the comfort of our own home. Happy Mothers' Day to all of the moms out there - it's a hard job, but someone's gotta do it! And it's worth everything. It's wonderful to see all of the facebook postings with good wishes for today, and this is probably the one day when the whole mom community comes out to support each other, rather than bickering over parenting choice. What brings us all together today is the fact that we are ALL parents, and regardless of our choices, we do the best we can.

Last week was trying. Mostly in good ways, but I've decided it's probably not healthy - mentally or physically - to be that busy. Which is ironic, considering that's how I spent my high school and college years. I'm not sure how, but I made it through last week. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. DS is teething something major. I think his molars are coming in, though he won't let me look and bites me if I try to get a feel. That led to a rather sleepless night last Sunday (before my trip), which led to both of us passing out around 7pm on Monday night. So I got nothing done that evening. Tuesday and Wednesday night were meetings, and I got home at 10:30 and 11:00 pm, respectively. Thursday night was departure night! My flight didn't leave until Friday morning, but I wasn't driving and the ladies who were lived 20 mins away, and closer to the airport. It would be a bit much to expect to be picked up at 4:30 am just so I cold h...

This has been a stressful week. The new job is going well, but I have two meetings (one yesterday and one tomorrow) at which I must represent my new company, take notes, and write something intelligent for distribution. That would be much, much easier if I had any clue what was going on. A lot of the information is highly technical, and my English degree didn't include a concentration in trade policy. My new boss understands, though, and just wants to expose me a bit more to the industry. I wonder if they'll be serving wine at the lunch meeting tomorrow? I could certainly use some fortification. In addition to work stress, one of my part-time web business clients has given me a slew of information to post and set up this week. And that would normally be ok, except the 3rd week of the month is my "meetings week." LLL and ICAN meetings Tuesday and Wednesday night. Even with the stress I'm not willing to miss those - they keep me grounded. And to top it off, this...

I haven't blogged in a while (sorry!), but this week the blogosphere has been exploding and I can't NOT write. A study came out this week that concludes that breastfeeding saves lives and money. Obviously, it met with a LOT of contention as it touched on that most sacred of all mommy-wars topics, breast vs. formula. How sad it is that we as a society, and as women, have come to such a silly dichotomy. Instead of addressing the issue head-on of WHY more women don't breastfeed exclusively for 6 months (currently <14%), we bicker about guilt trips, power trips, and egos. I've been following The Feminist Breeder for a long time, and her post on the issue hit the nail on the head, in my book. Yet glossing over the comments, there are still women who got angry at Gina for her statements. If breastfeeding is physically impossible for you, why would that make you feel guilty? Allow me to throw out my own crazy analogy. If you happened by a car wreck, and saw someone tr...

My baby boy is one year old. His birthday came and went without much fanfare. A birthday card from his great-grandparents. A birthday phone call from my MIL. A little extra snuggling time as I realized how fast he's grown, and how he won't fit in my arms much longer. Thankfully, his birthday was tear-free for me. No repressed memories struggling to the surface. No panic attacks with fuzzy recollection of  the lights in the OR. I guess this means I'm really back to myself - that calm and happy person who rarely cries and never in front of others. Who has her shit together and confronts each day with a plan and a purpose. Maybe things are a bit more helter-skelter than they were pre-baby, but I wouldn't have it any other way. In the end, he's totally worth it.

The DC area has been hard-hit with snow this Winter. I must admit, I've loved every minute of it. The snow has been absolutely beautiful to watch fall, and it really offers a sense of peace to my busy world (the blizzard we had earlier this week notwithstanding). My favorite part of all the snow? I didn't have to go to work! Staying home with my baby (DH is essential personnel, so he worked all week) has been wonderful. We played together. Took long walks through the snow. Rolled around on the bed and stayed in our PJs all day. Tried new foods and I tried my hand at baking. Danced to music, read books, and rocked ourselves silly. I was supposed to go to work today, but my bus never came. Oh well! So I'm working from home today, but it's not the same. I'm stuck at my computer (clearly working hard - don't judge it's lunch time!), and Adrian is enjoying lunch with his sitter. (One day I'll write a little more about her.) I actually took a shower and go...

My baby is 11 months old today. It's hard to believe that much time has gone by already. He's still not crawling or walking. He's not clapping, saying words, or waving. Sometimes I'm afraid that I've already failed him as a parent. But no. My baby is happy and healthy. He laughs and smiles. Gets frustrated and intrigued. Communicates through facial expression, tone, and posture. Eats like a horse and nurses like a champ. He may be a bit behind all of the milestones, but for now I'm still OK with that. I'm not crying tonight because of my perceived inadequacies as a parent. Instead, I'm remembering where I was 11 months ago. How I felt. There was some joy. There was a lot of love. But it was mostly horror. Pain. Sorrow. Frustration. Helplessness. Failure. "From his mother's womb untimely ripped."  I had a cesarean section. It is really, really hard for me to write about this. Especially in a format that lays bare so many other pe...

Every day I have a roughly half-hour commute to work in the mornings. The afternoons are my chatty Kathy times, but mornings are reserved for reading. Sometimes news, sometimes novels, but today it was poetry. I was fortunate enough to study poetry in college under Pulitzer Prize winning poet Claudia Emerson . Much to my shame, I never took the time to read her award-winning work until now. But I'm so glad I waited. The me of my college years would not have appreciated the depth of feeling with which she writes, especially in the book Late Wife . About her first failed marriage, the time in-between, and her second marriage to a widower, there was a lot that spoke to me. After college, I decided to get married and get a career. A practical one that paid the bills and allowed me to live comfortably. Several of my classmates went on to get their MFAs in creative writing and got to take their skills to the next level, though I don't know if any of them have been (monetarily) su...

T-minus 12 days. Things are stressful at work. My boss is constantly on me about getting certain things done. I wonder if he realizes that he's a big reason I can't get away fast enough. Every ten minutes, he thinks of something else important that I take care of and comes to find out where it is/how it's done/ who here can do it/ etc. I almost (almost) feel sorry for him. But here I am, putzing away on my blog instead of working on the laundry list of "Crap to Finish." I wonder what that says about me?

I finally did it. After over a year of agonizing over the decision to look for work elsewhere, and just two months after actually starting to search, I landed myself a new job! My husband keeps asking me if I'm scared. How do I put this? I'm not nervous at all. I feel confident in my ability to do a good job, and to provide this company with exactly what it needs. I'm super excited about all of the possibilities that this position will open up to me. The only thing that really had me quaking in my boots (so-to-speak, since I actually rarely wear boots), was telling my boss. Working in the same place for almost five years is a pretty Big Deal, especially when the company never fires anyone and the only way to stop working there is to retire or die. The jury's still out on the Office Manager, whose tenure there predates my birth by two years. Why are these people so loyal? Why did they expect me to be? Honestly - they are afraid of change and don't know anythi...

So this post really isn't going to be as exciting as the title sounds. My son has stopped drinking bottles during the day. He started drinking less and less, and finally got the point where, if offered a bottle, he would push it away or throw it as hard as he could (and trust me, the kid has a good arm). Much to my chagrin, all of the wonderful mommy milk pumped throughout the day was sitting in the fridge, untouched, and then bagged and passed on to my Milkshare mama and baby. So, not a waste of course, but not exactly what I imagined would be happening with my milk each day, either. This is classic reverse-cycling , and the bane and joy of the working mother's existence. The bane because it means your baby is attached to you from the moment you step into the door until the moment you leave the next morning. Gotta make up for that missed milk somehow! The joy because it means your baby loves YOU more than the bottles and doesn't want your milk any other way. I have se...

I feel strongly about breastfeeding. Prior to giving birth I had no idea how strongly I would feel about it, as I always assumed it was a given. But my first few weeks of crying, pain, and "helpful" relatives simply made me a determined lactivist. Not only that, but I've always been proud of my boobs. They used to be my shining glories. Now they no longer look that great, but they also no longer belong to me. They are unequivocally the property of my baby boy. Of course, I can't bring him to work with me. That's where the pump comes in. I have a Medela Pump-In-Style Advanced . It's cute enough to be inconspicuous (though totally noticable if you know what to look for), has plenty of space to fit my cooler in, and can either plug in or operate from a battery pack. Who knew that it would become my new best friend? I pump twice daily at work. That has become "Me" time. I get to shut my office door so nobody bothers me. I get to chill out at my comput...

So yesterday was The Day. I had not one, but two job interviews! I had some pre-conceived notions about which position I would like better. It was the seemingly more illustrious one, with a bigger name behind it that seemed to offer more pizazz. That one I scheduled second, so I could get the other one out of the way and under my belt before heading into the "real" one. Silly me. I really hit it off with my first interviewer. The job is so much cooler than I originally thought, and when I left my mind was spinning over all of the possibilities. I love jobs with Potential. The benefits were a little meager, but it's possible I could get the salary to make up for it. My only real sticking points? They'd want me to start Soon. Like three weeks, soon. And first order of business would be traveling to Vegas for a Convention. Sounds great, right? Except that whole nursing-mother-of-an-infant thing. It's one thing to drag your baby along on trips for a job that you...

2010 is here! It really snuck up on me, I can honestly say that 2009 was a pretty big blur. I can't believe that my little guy is 10 months old, and that I am now the ripe age of 27. Puts so many things in perspective! The holidays were wonderfully relaxing. I got to spend tons of time with my baby and my family. I took an entire week off at the end of December, and am so glad I did. For 2010, I've got a long list of goals. I hate to call them resolutions, because that's just a bit strong in the connotation department. My life is not a legal document! Here they are: Lisa's 2010 Goals: Get back to pre-baby weight and re-gain muscle tone & overall fitness Pay off student loan #1 (current balance $6K) and make good progress on student loan #2 Use my credit card less and cash (or debit) more.  Get a new job I'm already headed in the right direction with goal #4! I have an interview scheduled for Monday, and I'm both excited and nervous. I haven't ...